I fixed the comment thingy on this blog so comment away. Glad it finally works.
So, been a while, hasn't it? Moving into the new house isolated me from the internet for two and a half weeks (around there) but we've finally got it up again. No, I'm not dead yet. ^__^...
Heh, anyway, there really needs to be an update... lots of goings on. I'll start with yesterday:
My counsellor, Mrs. St.Martin called me from third period to meet the school nurse. We talked, eventually bringing D.I.D. into the picture as well as suicide. I can't remember specifics; the Numbness is very careful with what it allows me to remember (yes, it's got that power now... things have changed.) Later they called me from fourth period (around two, I think) and Mrs. St.Martin explained to me that she had called the child and youth service in an attempt to move the initial date closer. She told me that they were not specialized enough to work with dissociative identity disorder and advised her to have me take me to Emergency.
So... yeah.
I dislike hospitals but only OCD was bothered by it ("OMG SHE USED HAND A SANITIZER-TYPE CHEMICAL AND TOUCHED MY FACE ZKJFFRG!"). They took my vitals (twice, wtf with that?) and weighed me (HOL'SHIT, I weigh 131.4 lbs. Ana hates it like so much pie. Luckily she's quiet for now, but I'll get to that later) and then we watched soap operas where no one works except doctors wearing expensive-looking clothing and the psych ward is furnished with antiques and painted colours like crimson passion and seafoam shore. We sat for three hours in the waiting room before being moved to a smaller room where we waited for two more hours. Finally Charles Massey, with the Crisis Line, came and talked to me. He was cool, seemed to understand what I was saying. What I was saying just sounded insane but Mr. Massey (eh, what do I call him anyway?) didn't jump to that conclusion... and if he did, at least he didn't say so.
Anyway, we made 'a plan': I call the crisis line if I'm ever in danger of crossing the safety line when it comes to cutting; when the Numbness is controlling Ana or has silenced SI. Unfortunately I didn't think about that plan carefully enough because I realized after it was all over that the Numbness could very easily halt any thoughts or cloud my mind in such a way that I wouldn't desire to avoid it's actions. It's in no hurry though; the Numbness knows it can take as long as it needs to push SI away and crush Ana.
Speaking of Ana... she's lost her voice, more or less. Finding out I weigh so fucking much pissed her off but she's being restricted too much to restrict me any longer. Last week the Numbness decided to demonstrate it's control over her by forcing her into a binge. I ate more than I would eat in a month. She felt betrayed... Ana believed the Numbness would help her. Now she's broken and too empty to speak up.
I went through the rooms last week as well, to see where everyone was and whether or not things were still stable inside my head. (Most of this will make little sense, but basically the 'rooms' I'm mentioning are places I created years ago to visually represent my mind.) I entered through the skyscraper uneasily and was attacked by 'the thing' (the one from the not-a-dream) almost immediately. I decided to enter from the red chair in the main room instead because it had always seemed safer. I found OCD in her usual corner, turning over a can of soup and reading the numbers again and again.
"Hello, OCD... uh, how're you?" I asked carefully, kneeling beside her.
"Oh, I'm alright." She replied, sounding rational and normal. She broke into insane laughter so I left her alone.
I visited SI in her room as well. It's not the dark, warm place it was before the Numbness' take-over. I found her peeling off her skin like tissue paper again... long, thin strips of flesh-coloured paper were torn off to reveal a stiff steel spring-like skelliton with dull, red ends. She stared blankly at the charcoal and blood-red wall in front of her.
"SI... are you okay?" She didn't answer. "How can I help you?"
"Free me." It was just barely a whisper and hoarse like it was difficult to say. I reached and took her arm to lead her out of the room but she grunted in protest and turned away. That's when I noticed she was sitting on the rickety stool from the 'front hall' (also from the not-a-dream) and that the floor was sagging in the middle. It felt unsafe so I left and went through the backdoor into the front hall. I found Ana there, standing and facing the wall on the same side as the boxes (I'll post drawings of each room ASAP). The thing came in and started to rumage and destroy again but I turned to Ana.
"Ana, what are you doing? Ana?" I was having trouble concentrating because of the thing. I was starting to dissociate.
"Reading." She sounded a little timid; sorrowful but empty at the same time.
"Reading what!? What are you reading?" My brain was starting to expand and it felt like my head was growing in size while my mind and eyes were shrinking infinitely (not becoming smaller, only taking up less space, if that makes sense). I could physically feel my body getting smaller and becoming shaped like a newborn baby, though I wasn't moving at all, like I was paralyzed.
"The wall."
"What does it say? Please, tell me."
"Stuff." She shrugged, sounding indifferent. "You can read it too."
But I was already too dissociated to stay in that room. When I came out of it I was more numb than ever. So numb, so indifferent... so hollow and empty and unreal.
The appointment has been moved to the 30th of November at 5:30, by the way.
A timeline of how the personalities developed that I should remember befor the Numbness makes me forget:
1) Panic attacks
2) OCD rituals
3) OCD got out of control
4) cutting started to reduce panic and chaos
5) cutting created numbness
6) SI first developed as feeling after cutting
7) numbness got out of control, creating the Numbness
8) cutting created a middle ground between panic and numbness
9) the middle ground was taken over by the Numbness
10) the Numbness progressed into a more powerful state of unreality and derealization
11) Ana stepped in to seek control, change my physical appearance to be more 'reccognizable', and influence SI through causing self-harm and OCD through numbers and obsessions
12) SI developed into a more rational, concerned voice of reason and tried to stop cutting because of Ana
13) OCD was taken over by the Numbness, weakening Ana and making her more inclined to agree with the Numbness
14) Ana was convinced to 'cross over to the darkside' (ha ha...) by the Numbness
15) the Numbness took away Ana's irrationality by reducing her feelings of anger and self-hate, making her more able to use her intellect to make me listen
16) the thing came in the not-a-dream
17) SI became unable to handle these changes and withdrew to her room, becoming the 'paper skin and steel-spring skelliton' version of herself
18) the Numbness 'betrayed' Ana, sending her into a binge and breaking her spirit, which resulted in her present condition
Yep. I'm still alive but the Numbness has become a malicious force that wants to kill me. How pleasently insane.
Anyway, my Mom moved my room from the third floor down to the second. Switched withmy younger sister. What a blow to my ego, I loved that room. But what can I say? I can't be trusted as long as the Numbness has control. Oh, how easy it would be... just like dissociation, only complete. The only reason I haven't killed myself is the fact that SI is still awake, though overwhelmed. I'm not sure how long I can place my trust fully on her ability to change my thinking just in time. The Numbness has lots of time. I wonder if I'll end up back at Emerg... meh.
You get this from your father. Oh, how easy it is just to blame it on the drug addict we escaped from. The man who also taught me to love quantum physics and told me I was wonderful everyday of my life. The brilliant could-have-been philosopher who happened to lose his way. Can anyone really be blamed for that? Yes, it was his choice, and yes, he did some stupid things... but I have seen only the good in him and I've done my best to learn from his mistakes. I wish I could tell him how alike we really are.
I wish I could help him feel better far more than I wish I could feel better. I want him to finish his book, get it published, and show the world that he's the next big name in science! He deserves that so much... God, imagine if he'd realized it earlier?
It's always the highly intelligent that have to suffer. He doesn't deserve it... if only I knew for certain he'd be okay. If anything, before something happens to him, I want to see his book published and his knowledge passed on... I could never do it, I
need him.
Please, Daddy... don't forget that you're here for other people too.
I almost had a panic attack before dinner when my mom said what we were having -- hamburgers, one of the few foods I don't know the caloric value of. I convinced her to make Hamburger Helper stroganough instead and then made it myself, exactly like the package said. 360 cals, but at least I
know. I feel heavy and sick and I want to cry. It's so unpleasent and completely different than the wonderful empty-stomach feeling... it's below my old limit (400) though, so it's not too bad. I just hate eating. It tasted horrible and I used to love it. I spent a lot of time cutting the little noodles into even slices and that helped a little. I made sure to get as close to a cup as possible of the stuff so I didn't mess up the number. Uhg. I can't wait until monday when it'll be easier to skip meals.
I feel sick all over.
Feeling this empty is so nice... I haven't eaten for two days, I think. I am kind of weak but even that seems almost comforting. It's better than eating and better than feeling heavy. I don't feel actually hungry, I just feel... light. ^__^
Changing my hair not only took away some weight but also altered my appearance. I still don't really recognize myself... but the hairstyle is easier to visualize. Before I couldn't visualize myself at all but now I can get that hair perfect. Getting thinner will help with the rest, maybe..
It's just like after she found out about my cutting; soft voice, taking me out places, buying me things... it's so predictable. I know she tries but she is ignorant of her own tendancies...
She even let me get my hair cut tonight, something I've been coaxing into her for months. It's right at my shoulder now... so much lighter. That's even what I was thinking while it was being snipped off: "I wonder how much weight I'm losing with this?" I feel good because of that... Ana is silenced -- especially since I haven't been forced to eat.
I'm tired. Watched the rest of What the Bleep today... again, I found it depressing that only I was fascinated. I have two math tests next week, one right after another. Didn't eat today, don't plan to. Mom's mad, so I might be forced. Even water tastes unpleasently strange. My voice sounds really bizzare too.
She grounded me and sent me to bed at 7:30 last night. I could still hear them through the floor and later when they were laughing about it in their room. She hadn't payed attention at all... she didn't even try to talk to me about it later. Not last night and not this morning. I told her that she just drops the subject unless I say anything and when I do we end up fighting and I say something stupid like last night. She doesn't care... she loves me, but she doesn't want to know what's going on. She just wants it to go away. Like it doesn't even matter.
I figure I have three choices when I'm holding that razor blade:
a) put it down.
b) cut myself, or
c) commit suicide.
Cutting myself is the only option that's not going to hurt me...
On Tuesday we move into the new house.
Uhg, I feel heavy and gross. I tried to initiate a talk with my mom but I couldn't stop the uncomfortable smiling, as usual. She joked and joked and only became what seemed like semi-serious (I know she is serious, but it's annoying when it doesn't look that way) when she got the suicidal feelings out of me. My mind was so blank the entire time, I couldn't even think about what I had always tried to tell her. I don't feel anything, not even anger or annoyance at her not getting it. It's my fault; it'd help if I could help her by saying something.
She says she'll probably take me to the hospital. I never liked hospitals but I don't feel anymore, so it doesn't matter.
She probably thinks I was doing it for attention or to make her angry. I'm driving people to worry...
FUCK, I can hear her up there. "She's got to suck it up . . . stop fucking . . . 'ooh, poor me' . . ." Is all I can catch. I suddenly want to cry but I can't feel anything. I can't feel anything.
I just feel sick. Eating makes me feel sick...
Too bad my mom knows about the anorexia thing. I told her several times that I didn't want any but she just glared and plopped two slices on my plate. Food tastes weird. But I don't care whether I eat or not and there isn't a garbage can down here... meh.
This morning, right after my last post, I almost fainted while getting up. My left leg just gave out and I regained enough brain power to actually stand again. The stairs were agony and I couldn't stop shaking. I spent my first class in student services trying not to fall asleep. I read
Shade's Children by Garth Nix. Now I'm reading
Watership Down.
In Psych we watched
What the Bleep do we Know? and I explained quantum physics to my classmates. It was kind of depressing to know none of them really understood or even wanted to try.
My mom moved the appoitmet to the 21st of December because of conflicting scheduals. Now I have to wait two months. It's not surprising... I don't think I'll last very long without eating. It's not that troubling, actually. It'll be like dissociation, only longer and more peaceful. Peace
would be nice... but no point thinking about it now. Ana's done her work well.
We're having frozen pizza tonight. I don't like it so I'll just not eat. I wouldn't eat anyway.
When I lie down I can see where my ribs are and when standing, if I reach up, I can see them all. I started my period today but that doesn't fully explain the weakness and exhaustion. My hands are shaking, my heart is working hard... if they don't get to me soon this body is going to die -- when I give up or my body gives up.
My body...? It doesn't look like mine... it's just a thing. A thing I can't recognize, but a thing that wants me to help it. I can't seem to pay attention though. I don't share it's hunger or pain, I don't understand.
I'm tired... I don't want to be at school but I have to be. Maybe I'll got to student services on my spare. I won't be missing anything and lunch isn't important either. I'm just really tired... this body needs me to get help from someone else because I don't get it.
All I've had today was that Timbit I mentioned earlier. My mom has told me to make something three times but I don't plan on complying.
My middle and pointer fingers are chewed-raw and bleeding. Not just my finger nails and cuticles, but my actual fingertips.
A fucking month. I wonder what they expect me to do until then. I expressed to the counsellor how difficult I find looking for help when I am feeling 'unsafe', as it's called. I don't plan on coming to her when I need to cut. I'll just cut, it's as simple as that. Talking never fixes the problem and the urge always comes back even if it is momentarily ignored. I'm going to slice up my arms eventually, what's the point in delaying it?
Please feel free to call Teen Angst Mode on me at any time. Whether it's in real life or here, I'd like to know when to shut up. Which is probably now because I'm angsting. Is it the same if you can't feel it?
December sixth is the earliest possible initial appointment date. That's a little less than a month away. Somehow I knew this was going to happen.
When did I ask for help? September sixth. It's been two months since then. This is becoming... bothersome. I wonder how people manage to survive this kind of waiting period.
I'm not minding the dissociation as much. I'm feeling less than ever. I've kind of 'gotten used to it', I guess. I've never been able to recognize myself in the mirror anyway so it isn't surprising when I start to forget who I am and what I'm doing. And for derealization I just don't care, because even if I feel anxiety (and my body shows that I sometimes do), I don't actually experience it. The few times when I have been 'on the outside', seeing the emotions being played out, I haven't felt anything at all.
Today was "Treat Day" at school... students previously assigned bring in something for the class. It was Timbits. I took one and wasn't planning to eat it but eventually everyone else was finished and it didn't seem fair to take one and not (at least, when they know). That's the thing; I only eat when it's impossible not to. Ana may be working to change that though. Or, I suppose the Numbness is because it controls her. I won't put up a fight. What's the point?
I keep reaching out but no one seems to be there.
Food tastes weird. It looks weird too. I feel heavy and full. It doesn't matter though... it won't take much to be hungry again.
She's making tacos and eating alone (so I could toss it) isn't an option. So I'll eat. It won't matter though.
Smells are very strange in a dissociated state... I wonder what tastes will be like.
I haven't eaten today either. SI didn't say anything about it, didn't even look concerned. It's okay though; I knew I'd lose her eventually. Now she's just a tool as well. Now really, what's stopping me from really harming myself? Not much, actually... I guess this should bother me but I'm tired...
It was good to feel cold all day because it made the derealization easier to handle.
I might eat tonight because my mom has planned the meal and that means we're porbably eating at the table and that means I won't be able to escape. But if I can, I'll throw it away. Ana wouldn't mind if I ate; she knows I'm beaten. The Numbness has certainly toned her down a bit by taking away the anger. She knows I won't fight her or anyone... I just don't care all that much.
I brought my razor blade with me today. I didn't want to end up in the counsellor's office again or something.
I read a book called
More than you can Chew by Marnelle Tokio. It was interesting. I reccomend it. I also read
The Curious Incident with the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon, which I also reccomend.
I was writing in my actual physical diary last night. Being able to see my hand, I kept becoming derealized and in some places my writing goes off the page or I repeat letters are words (for example, I accidentily wrote "'eded' instead of 'ended' and continued to write 'ed' over and over again with my writing becoming messier and off center. Then I turned one of the d's into an n and finished the word. A little farther down I started writing some letters backwards and my writing was always changing from very slow and neat to fast and messy.) I couldn't sleep either but I'm not sure what time it was when I did.
I've got to go to school now. Maybe today will be better because I can't feel or connect to reality very well anymore.
The problem is that cutting doesn't help but I have to keep doing it or SI will be taken by the Numbness too. When I dissociate, I want to scream and hit things and hurt myself and generally do
something.
