Take the Leap

Finally

2005-11-24T19:51:00.000-05:00

I fixed the comment thingy on this blog so comment away. Glad it finally works.

Nope, not dead yet

2005-11-24T17:14:00.000-05:00

So, been a while, hasn't it? Moving into the new house isolated me from the internet for two and a half weeks (around there) but we've finally got it up again. No, I'm not dead yet. ^__^...
Heh, anyway, there really needs to be an update... lots of goings on. I'll start with yesterday:
My counsellor, Mrs. St.Martin called me from third period to meet the school nurse. We talked, eventually bringing D.I.D. into the picture as well as suicide. I can't remember specifics; the Numbness is very careful with what it allows me to remember (yes, it's got that power now... things have changed.) Later they called me from fourth period (around two, I think) and Mrs. St.Martin explained to me that she had called the child and youth service in an attempt to move the initial date closer. She told me that they were not specialized enough to work with dissociative identity disorder and advised her to have me take me to Emergency.

So... yeah.

I dislike hospitals but only OCD was bothered by it ("OMG SHE USED HAND A SANITIZER-TYPE CHEMICAL AND TOUCHED MY FACE ZKJFFRG!"). They took my vitals (twice, wtf with that?) and weighed me (HOL'SHIT, I weigh 131.4 lbs. Ana hates it like so much pie. Luckily she's quiet for now, but I'll get to that later) and then we watched soap operas where no one works except doctors wearing expensive-looking clothing and the psych ward is furnished with antiques and painted colours like crimson passion and seafoam shore. We sat for three hours in the waiting room before being moved to a smaller room where we waited for two more hours. Finally Charles Massey, with the Crisis Line, came and talked to me. He was cool, seemed to understand what I was saying. What I was saying just sounded insane but Mr. Massey (eh, what do I call him anyway?) didn't jump to that conclusion... and if he did, at least he didn't say so.

Anyway, we made 'a plan': I call the crisis line if I'm ever in danger of crossing the safety line when it comes to cutting; when the Numbness is controlling Ana or has silenced SI. Unfortunately I didn't think about that plan carefully enough because I realized after it was all over that the Numbness could very easily halt any thoughts or cloud my mind in such a way that I wouldn't desire to avoid it's actions. It's in no hurry though; the Numbness knows it can take as long as it needs to push SI away and crush Ana.

Speaking of Ana... she's lost her voice, more or less. Finding out I weigh so fucking much pissed her off but she's being restricted too much to restrict me any longer. Last week the Numbness decided to demonstrate it's control over her by forcing her into a binge. I ate more than I would eat in a month. She felt betrayed... Ana believed the Numbness would help her. Now she's broken and too empty to speak up.

I went through the rooms last week as well, to see where everyone was and whether or not things were still stable inside my head. (Most of this will make little sense, but basically the 'rooms' I'm mentioning are places I created years ago to visually represent my mind.) I entered through the skyscraper uneasily and was attacked by 'the thing' (the one from the not-a-dream) almost immediately. I decided to enter from the red chair in the main room instead because it had always seemed safer. I found OCD in her usual corner, turning over a can of soup and reading the numbers again and again.

"Hello, OCD... uh, how're you?" I asked carefully, kneeling beside her.

"Oh, I'm alright." She replied, sounding rational and normal. She broke into insane laughter so I left her alone.

I visited SI in her room as well. It's not the dark, warm place it was before the Numbness' take-over. I found her peeling off her skin like tissue paper again... long, thin strips of flesh-coloured paper were torn off to reveal a stiff steel spring-like skelliton with dull, red ends. She stared blankly at the charcoal and blood-red wall in front of her.

"SI... are you okay?" She didn't answer. "How can I help you?"

"Free me." It was just barely a whisper and hoarse like it was difficult to say. I reached and took her arm to lead her out of the room but she grunted in protest and turned away. That's when I noticed she was sitting on the rickety stool from the 'front hall' (also from the not-a-dream) and that the floor was sagging in the middle. It felt unsafe so I left and went through the backdoor into the front hall. I found Ana there, standing and facing the wall on the same side as the boxes (I'll post drawings of each room ASAP). The thing came in and started to rumage and destroy again but I turned to Ana.

"Ana, what are you doing? Ana?" I was having trouble concentrating because of the thing. I was starting to dissociate.

"Reading." She sounded a little timid; sorrowful but empty at the same time.

"Reading what!? What are you reading?" My brain was starting to expand and it felt like my head was growing in size while my mind and eyes were shrinking infinitely (not becoming smaller, only taking up less space, if that makes sense). I could physically feel my body getting smaller and becoming shaped like a newborn baby, though I wasn't moving at all, like I was paralyzed.

"The wall."

"What does it say? Please, tell me."

"Stuff." She shrugged, sounding indifferent. "You can read it too."

But I was already too dissociated to stay in that room. When I came out of it I was more numb than ever. So numb, so indifferent... so hollow and empty and unreal.

The appointment has been moved to the 30th of November at 5:30, by the way.

A timeline of how the personalities developed that I should remember befor the Numbness makes me forget:

1) Panic attacks
2) OCD rituals
3) OCD got out of control
4) cutting started to reduce panic and chaos
5) cutting created numbness
6) SI first developed as feeling after cutting
7) numbness got out of control, creating the Numbness
8) cutting created a middle ground between panic and numbness
9) the middle ground was taken over by the Numbness
10) the Numbness progressed into a more powerful state of unreality and derealization
11) Ana stepped in to seek control, change my physical appearance to be more 'reccognizable', and influence SI through causing self-harm and OCD through numbers and obsessions
12) SI developed into a more rational, concerned voice of reason and tried to stop cutting because of Ana
13) OCD was taken over by the Numbness, weakening Ana and making her more inclined to agree with the Numbness
14) Ana was convinced to 'cross over to the darkside' (ha ha...) by the Numbness
15) the Numbness took away Ana's irrationality by reducing her feelings of anger and self-hate, making her more able to use her intellect to make me listen
16) the thing came in the not-a-dream
17) SI became unable to handle these changes and withdrew to her room, becoming the 'paper skin and steel-spring skelliton' version of herself
18) the Numbness 'betrayed' Ana, sending her into a binge and breaking her spirit, which resulted in her present condition

Yep. I'm still alive but the Numbness has become a malicious force that wants to kill me. How pleasently insane.

Anyway, my Mom moved my room from the third floor down to the second. Switched withmy younger sister. What a blow to my ego, I loved that room. But what can I say? I can't be trusted as long as the Numbness has control. Oh, how easy it would be... just like dissociation, only complete. The only reason I haven't killed myself is the fact that SI is still awake, though overwhelmed. I'm not sure how long I can place my trust fully on her ability to change my thinking just in time. The Numbness has lots of time. I wonder if I'll end up back at Emerg... meh.

Simple

2005-11-13T09:30:00.000-05:00

You get this from your father. Oh, how easy it is just to blame it on the drug addict we escaped from. The man who also taught me to love quantum physics and told me I was wonderful everyday of my life. The brilliant could-have-been philosopher who happened to lose his way. Can anyone really be blamed for that? Yes, it was his choice, and yes, he did some stupid things... but I have seen only the good in him and I've done my best to learn from his mistakes. I wish I could tell him how alike we really are.

I wish I could help him feel better far more than I wish I could feel better. I want him to finish his book, get it published, and show the world that he's the next big name in science! He deserves that so much... God, imagine if he'd realized it earlier?

It's always the highly intelligent that have to suffer. He doesn't deserve it... if only I knew for certain he'd be okay. If anything, before something happens to him, I want to see his book published and his knowledge passed on... I could never do it, I need him.

Please, Daddy... don't forget that you're here for other people too.

sick all over

2005-11-12T17:31:00.000-05:00

I almost had a panic attack before dinner when my mom said what we were having -- hamburgers, one of the few foods I don't know the caloric value of. I convinced her to make Hamburger Helper stroganough instead and then made it myself, exactly like the package said. 360 cals, but at least I know. I feel heavy and sick and I want to cry. It's so unpleasent and completely different than the wonderful empty-stomach feeling... it's below my old limit (400) though, so it's not too bad. I just hate eating. It tasted horrible and I used to love it. I spent a lot of time cutting the little noodles into even slices and that helped a little. I made sure to get as close to a cup as possible of the stuff so I didn't mess up the number. Uhg. I can't wait until monday when it'll be easier to skip meals.

I feel sick all over.

Nice

2005-11-12T15:18:00.000-05:00

Feeling this empty is so nice... I haven't eaten for two days, I think. I am kind of weak but even that seems almost comforting. It's better than eating and better than feeling heavy. I don't feel actually hungry, I just feel... light. ^__^

Changing my hair not only took away some weight but also altered my appearance. I still don't really recognize myself... but the hairstyle is easier to visualize. Before I couldn't visualize myself at all but now I can get that hair perfect. Getting thinner will help with the rest, maybe..

Quizzes

2005-11-12T13:53:00.000-05:00

( OMG fake LJ cut... leads to my back-up journal. Actually, I like it more. Anyway, related quizzes. )

hair cut, whoo

2005-11-11T20:32:00.000-05:00

It's just like after she found out about my cutting; soft voice, taking me out places, buying me things... it's so predictable. I know she tries but she is ignorant of her own tendancies...

She even let me get my hair cut tonight, something I've been coaxing into her for months. It's right at my shoulder now... so much lighter. That's even what I was thinking while it was being snipped off: "I wonder how much weight I'm losing with this?" I feel good because of that... Ana is silenced -- especially since I haven't been forced to eat.

things

2005-11-11T15:52:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. Watched the rest of What the Bleep today... again, I found it depressing that only I was fascinated. I have two math tests next week, one right after another. Didn't eat today, don't plan to. Mom's mad, so I might be forced. Even water tastes unpleasently strange. My voice sounds really bizzare too.

It makes no sense

2005-11-11T07:14:00.000-05:00

She grounded me and sent me to bed at 7:30 last night. I could still hear them through the floor and later when they were laughing about it in their room. She hadn't payed attention at all... she didn't even try to talk to me about it later. Not last night and not this morning. I told her that she just drops the subject unless I say anything and when I do we end up fighting and I say something stupid like last night. She doesn't care... she loves me, but she doesn't want to know what's going on. She just wants it to go away. Like it doesn't even matter.

I figure I have three choices when I'm holding that razor blade:

a) put it down.
b) cut myself, or
c) commit suicide.

Cutting myself is the only option that's not going to hurt me...

On Tuesday we move into the new house.

hm.

2005-11-10T18:53:00.000-05:00

Uhg, I feel heavy and gross. I tried to initiate a talk with my mom but I couldn't stop the uncomfortable smiling, as usual. She joked and joked and only became what seemed like semi-serious (I know she is serious, but it's annoying when it doesn't look that way) when she got the suicidal feelings out of me. My mind was so blank the entire time, I couldn't even think about what I had always tried to tell her. I don't feel anything, not even anger or annoyance at her not getting it. It's my fault; it'd help if I could help her by saying something.

She says she'll probably take me to the hospital. I never liked hospitals but I don't feel anymore, so it doesn't matter.

She probably thinks I was doing it for attention or to make her angry. I'm driving people to worry...

FUCK, I can hear her up there. "She's got to suck it up . . . stop fucking . . . 'ooh, poor me' . . ." Is all I can catch. I suddenly want to cry but I can't feel anything. I can't feel anything.

I just feel sick. Eating makes me feel sick...

meh

2005-11-10T17:06:00.000-05:00

Too bad my mom knows about the anorexia thing. I told her several times that I didn't want any but she just glared and plopped two slices on my plate. Food tastes weird. But I don't care whether I eat or not and there isn't a garbage can down here... meh.

waitung too long

2005-11-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

This morning, right after my last post, I almost fainted while getting up. My left leg just gave out and I regained enough brain power to actually stand again. The stairs were agony and I couldn't stop shaking. I spent my first class in student services trying not to fall asleep. I read Shade's Children by Garth Nix. Now I'm reading Watership Down.

In Psych we watched What the Bleep do we Know? and I explained quantum physics to my classmates. It was kind of depressing to know none of them really understood or even wanted to try.

My mom moved the appoitmet to the 21st of December because of conflicting scheduals. Now I have to wait two months. It's not surprising... I don't think I'll last very long without eating. It's not that troubling, actually. It'll be like dissociation, only longer and more peaceful. Peace would be nice... but no point thinking about it now. Ana's done her work well.

We're having frozen pizza tonight. I don't like it so I'll just not eat. I wouldn't eat anyway.

so sick...

2005-11-10T07:23:00.000-05:00

When I lie down I can see where my ribs are and when standing, if I reach up, I can see them all. I started my period today but that doesn't fully explain the weakness and exhaustion. My hands are shaking, my heart is working hard... if they don't get to me soon this body is going to die -- when I give up or my body gives up.

My body...? It doesn't look like mine... it's just a thing. A thing I can't recognize, but a thing that wants me to help it. I can't seem to pay attention though. I don't share it's hunger or pain, I don't understand.

I'm tired... I don't want to be at school but I have to be. Maybe I'll got to student services on my spare. I won't be missing anything and lunch isn't important either. I'm just really tired... this body needs me to get help from someone else because I don't get it.

It's hard to type with mortal wounds

2005-11-09T19:16:00.000-05:00

All I've had today was that Timbit I mentioned earlier. My mom has told me to make something three times but I don't plan on complying.

My middle and pointer fingers are chewed-raw and bleeding. Not just my finger nails and cuticles, but my actual fingertips.

A fucking month. I wonder what they expect me to do until then. I expressed to the counsellor how difficult I find looking for help when I am feeling 'unsafe', as it's called. I don't plan on coming to her when I need to cut. I'll just cut, it's as simple as that. Talking never fixes the problem and the urge always comes back even if it is momentarily ignored. I'm going to slice up my arms eventually, what's the point in delaying it?

Please feel free to call Teen Angst Mode on me at any time. Whether it's in real life or here, I'd like to know when to shut up. Which is probably now because I'm angsting. Is it the same if you can't feel it?

Valentine weenies

2005-11-09T15:39:00.000-05:00

December sixth is the earliest possible initial appointment date. That's a little less than a month away. Somehow I knew this was going to happen.

When did I ask for help? September sixth. It's been two months since then. This is becoming... bothersome. I wonder how people manage to survive this kind of waiting period.

I'm not minding the dissociation as much. I'm feeling less than ever. I've kind of 'gotten used to it', I guess. I've never been able to recognize myself in the mirror anyway so it isn't surprising when I start to forget who I am and what I'm doing. And for derealization I just don't care, because even if I feel anxiety (and my body shows that I sometimes do), I don't actually experience it. The few times when I have been 'on the outside', seeing the emotions being played out, I haven't felt anything at all.

Today was "Treat Day" at school... students previously assigned bring in something for the class. It was Timbits. I took one and wasn't planning to eat it but eventually everyone else was finished and it didn't seem fair to take one and not (at least, when they know). That's the thing; I only eat when it's impossible not to. Ana may be working to change that though. Or, I suppose the Numbness is because it controls her. I won't put up a fight. What's the point?

: (

2005-11-08T20:46:00.000-05:00

I keep reaching out but no one seems to be there.

different

2005-11-08T18:08:00.000-05:00

Food tastes weird. It looks weird too. I feel heavy and full. It doesn't matter though... it won't take much to be hungry again.

I've already given up

2005-11-08T17:40:00.000-05:00

She's making tacos and eating alone (so I could toss it) isn't an option. So I'll eat. It won't matter though.

Smells are very strange in a dissociated state... I wonder what tastes will be like.

all gone, all gone

2005-11-08T16:03:00.000-05:00

I haven't eaten today either. SI didn't say anything about it, didn't even look concerned. It's okay though; I knew I'd lose her eventually. Now she's just a tool as well. Now really, what's stopping me from really harming myself? Not much, actually... I guess this should bother me but I'm tired...

It was good to feel cold all day because it made the derealization easier to handle.

I might eat tonight because my mom has planned the meal and that means we're porbably eating at the table and that means I won't be able to escape. But if I can, I'll throw it away. Ana wouldn't mind if I ate; she knows I'm beaten. The Numbness has certainly toned her down a bit by taking away the anger. She knows I won't fight her or anyone... I just don't care all that much.

I brought my razor blade with me today. I didn't want to end up in the counsellor's office again or something.

I read a book called More than you can Chew by Marnelle Tokio. It was interesting. I reccomend it. I also read The Curious Incident with the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon, which I also reccomend.

moose

2005-11-08T07:33:00.000-05:00

I was writing in my actual physical diary last night. Being able to see my hand, I kept becoming derealized and in some places my writing goes off the page or I repeat letters are words (for example, I accidentily wrote "'eded' instead of 'ended' and continued to write 'ed' over and over again with my writing becoming messier and off center. Then I turned one of the d's into an n and finished the word. A little farther down I started writing some letters backwards and my writing was always changing from very slow and neat to fast and messy.) I couldn't sleep either but I'm not sure what time it was when I did.

I've got to go to school now. Maybe today will be better because I can't feel or connect to reality very well anymore.

The problem is that cutting doesn't help but I have to keep doing it or SI will be taken by the Numbness too. When I dissociate, I want to scream and hit things and hurt myself and generally do something.

self-starvation, slow starvation.

2005-11-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to have eaten soup. I threw it out.

I will remember.

today

2005-11-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

The Numbness has grown so powerful that it has begun to absorb and direct the other personalities within me. OCD was the first to go, being the opposite (obviously if I'm numb to anxiety, I can't get worked up over compulsions) and the most easily controlled, who seems to be followed by Ana (she's putting up a fight but has already lost her voice). Now the Numbness directs them. OCD appears in odd places, normally with thoughts and numbers, and Ana has been speaking like a programed answer to an unasked question; "Self-starvation, slow starvation. Don't forget it." To which I automatically reply, "I will remember."

It is bothersome because SI is becoming fuzzy and cutting is losing it's effect. I can only think of one thing that the Numbness would want control of my cutting for.

Today I was so numb that I actually began to dissociate. That is when you lose connection with your body and suddenly feel unable to concentrate on everything around you. It feels like floating away and when you see parts of your body it is difficult to relate to them as your own. This happened to me today while I was in the library during lunch. That's where I spend most lunch hours because I can't eat and it's easier to concentrate on homework while still at school. I was working on factoring trinomials when I noticed the hand I was writing with. I didn't feel like it was part of me anymore and I was unsure as to whether it ever was. Normally this makes me worried but numbness blocks out that sort of thing.

I walked to my locker and put everything away. Then I somehow ended up in the counsellor's office (probably with SI's help) where I casually asked if she had spoken to my previous school's counsellors. She hadn't. So I told her that I was having an anxiety attack, which wasn't true, and then included self-harm in my explanation. I put on my best anxious look, which wasn't hard because I could feel Ana screaming at me to stop, and she told me I could spend my third period in the office across the hall. While we were talking she didn't even close the blinds and didn't shut the door or ask whether I'd be more comfortable with it closed when I worked on my math in the empty room. It doesn't matter because I wasn't working on my math. Instead I was staring at the clear push-pin on the bulliten board in front of me and pretending to think. I did this for a long time before cautiously reaching forward and taking it. After I scratched my skin I felt a little better but I didn't finish my homework.

I read a book called The Luckiest Girl in the World by Steven Levenkron. It was about a youngb figure skater with self-destructive habits. I didn't like it because many of the characters (especially those in positions of authority) had opinions of distaste toward the subject of self-injury. She was depicted as insane and only one adult seemed to actively try to understand. On the other hand, perhaps these attitudes were meant to mirror real life; it isn't a very recent novel and things have changed since then.

Last night the internet was knocked out by a storm. Instead of sleeping I spent the night at my window waiting for a specific leaf to fall. It became obsessive and I seemed to believe that if I looked away from the leaf before it had fallen I would eat the next day. I also couldn't look at my watch or any clock at all. I spent a long time waiting. I'm not sure what time it was when I went to sleep.

I am very numb today. I have never been this deep in the Numbness and although cutting can pull me out of dissociation, it can no longer influence the Numbness.

My music teacher wasn't in so I didn't do the playing test. I expect I'll do it tomorrow.

uncertain

2005-11-05T19:13:00.000-05:00

I can honestly say I don't know what's going to happen next.

uhg

2005-11-05T10:13:00.000-05:00

I'm dreading Monday. There's no point in delaying it, eventually I'll have to do the music test.

Uhg. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Well, I can't eat anything so I may as well go back to sleep... or maybe I'll watch some TV first... no, I've lost interest in that already. I'm going to bed.

No, I'll cut instead. No one's home right now.

if I die

2005-11-04T22:05:00.000-05:00

If anything ever did happen to me... I want my journals, etc to be read. None of it taken offensively, of course, and none of it seen as hateful towards anyone. The entries shouldn't be seen as anything beyond passing moods.

This is not a suicide threat... I'm just clarifying.

I... I just don't know anymore. I think two weeks is a long time to wait for help. Meanwhile, everything is getting worse and worse. I'm...

I...

I'm not so sure about living anymore. Or, at least, I don't want to participate right now.

(selfish, inconsiderate-- )

And even if I slept for a week, that week would end and time would keep on going. Even if I took time off school, that would end too and I'd have to go back to responsibility and inevitability...

I really don't know. I'm starting to feel indifferent about the feelings of those who I assume care about me. Maybe they don't, I don't know...

I hate the idea of posting this, like admitting it will make it inevitable. I don't like to worry people.

I don't want to end up like that

2005-11-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

She seems to think this is something that can be delayed. She sees this is a choice -- yes, I've decided to feel worthless and empty -- that I can unmake whenever I like. My severe depression will have to wait until after we're finished moving, then until we've settled in... maybe she won't have time for a while, with work being so busy, and I'll put off obsessive thoughts until a more convieniant time.

When the fuck is it ever convieniant!?

That is how she's lived her life. She's told me, "I haven't had a nervous breakdown because I just don't have time!" Tell me, WHO has time? WHEN, then, is it a good time? Can you fit me in sometimes before I kill myself!?

*sigh* I'm overreacting. I'll get over it... no, actually, I'll just stop caring. Meh.

flaws in us

2005-11-04T16:07:00.000-05:00

Tired today, though glad it's the weekend. I went to choir only to find myself completely pathetic at sightreading. No bother; I enjoyed it nonetheless. Enjoyment always ends.

I almost went to student services today but decided to go a few more empty-stomach days first. Well, Ana decided for me... I don't care though, she can do whatever she wants. If she wants me to stop eating I won't stop her. This time she doesn't have OCD to help her so she has to go slowly... she's decided to let me eat dinner tonight but has expressed her disgust and expects me to feel sick about it later. I would anyway; I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

Why is it that whenever I need to cry I'm somewhere I can't, and whenever I want to cry I'm incapable? It doesn't matter, I can cut instead. Poor, stupid SI...

Going to student services is out of the question according to Ana. She claims they'll regret having me as a student at their school. She claims they'll want me to stop and she says that if I want to become an observer I have to withdraw rather than connect. The last point is what's shutting SI up. She's just as flawed as the rest of them.

I hate swearing

2005-11-03T16:15:00.000-05:00

So. There I was sitting in the cafeteria, carefully avoiding being spoken to by anyone. I only planned to be in there for a few minutes before I went to the library but I said, 'what the hell!' and bought a muffin. It was a good muffin... maybe if I had been reading my book or listening to my MP3 player she wouldn't have bothered me, but it was too late. >___> A classic example of someone feeling sorry for teh n00bie girl, but she seemed nice enough and refusing would've played into my anti-social tendancy crap so I agreed to eat with her and her friends.

So we went to the park across the street and they sat on the jungle gym... making fun of the exchange student from Taiwan and bitching about how much they hate their classmate who "omg, lyk thinks shes a witch n' stuff." I am extremely sorry for having not blurted out, "IT'S FUCKING CALLED WICCA YOU NARROW-MINDED ASSHOLES!!!111111!!!!!!!!!1" But I didn't, unfortunately. I may not practice it, but I certainly know more than they do.

Anyway, I managed to "accidentily" lose them in the hallways. I retreated to the library -- the only place I could be sure they would never go! I hope they don't plan on inviting me to their "omg lyk shoppin' trip" because I hate them. kthxbye.

For some self-induced anger, here's a summary of my music period: I SUCK. No really, they were doing a test on some scales that I am never even heard of. Then we had to work on a project in which we write our own pieces and score them for each instrument. WHAT THE FUCK!? I wanted to break down into tears five hundred times.

But enough self-pity. I'll survive because I've started fucking cutting again as of last night. Now that I've locked up SI in her own original purpose, I have very little emotion but anger. Anger towards myself, towards my classmates, towards my favourite pencil for being lost. I am so sick of Ana and her anger! SI's too busy remembering what exact colour/texture/shape/feeling blood has to be of any help now. OCD is just insane and the Numbness doesn't have a voice.

craptacular

2005-11-02T17:17:00.000-05:00

SI has been frantic to find control. She's been considering going straight back to cutting... that would solve my problem of not being able to cope, at least, but it's dangerous after the undesirable thoughts that the Numbness brought. Ana has been more angry with me... fuck her, I don't need that. I may end up giving in though, if I decide to side with SI, which I probably will.

Shopping time. Need shoes. Mine are dead. Yay me.

life sucks ass sometimes

2005-11-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

I am not particularily pleased with myself right now.

Math class was irritating; I hate how teachers pair you up with students who'd rather be with their friends. I would've liked being alone a lot more than the akward shuffling I got.

Pychology I liked because it seemed less structured than my previous class. Not only that, but I was sitting in the front so I barely had to speak to anyone but the teacher.

I must say, the library is magnificent for the amount of books in there! I spent lunch and my spare browsing and I expect I'll be doing that a lot. I actually finished all of 1984... so freaky...

Then music ruined that. Coming from a grade 10/11 class, I learned far less complicated pieces... so I looked like a complete moron just sitting there with a blank look on my face. At least I exploded the teacher's head when she asked (after explaining about the choi ma-thingy they've got) what kind of music I listen to... I replied with "Well, I can sing in - not speak - Japanese and Italian, along with French, Russian, and a couple psuedo-languages..." I think she died. It's sad, really.

I am no looking forward to tomorrow though. I really just want to break down but I don't have time. God, I'm becoming like my Mother.

whoo?

2005-11-01T19:48:00.000-05:00

I have to be at school at like 7:30 tomorrow to arrange all my courses and crap. That sucks.

I can't breathe through my nose because of the dust from packing/unpacking. That sucks more.

I can't feel a fucking thing. I'm pretty sure that sucks, but I can't tell. >__> whoo?

hm...

2005-11-01T15:13:00.000-05:00

Well, we're at the temp house. whoo. Excuse my sarcasm, I'm just a little anxious about having to go to school tomorrow. That would require me to talk to people... and I'm being a little anti-social these days. I just need to conserve enough energy to be able to fake actual emotion... then I shoul be okay. It's always difficult to adjust to the needs of people I don't know... then again, the Numbness allows me to better connect. It'll probably even out.

Damn. Spilled my hot chocolate. >__>

no way

2005-10-30T22:16:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's the last day in this house. Mm'yep.

I spent most of the day feeling disconnected and strangely uncomfortable when I didn't. I'm probably just messed from that 'dream'. Or this is a natural part of the Numbness. I hope it isn't the latter, because then it will only get worse. There's no way that dream could've had any actual impact on my mind, besides paranoia.

Too many comic books

2005-10-30T10:26:00.000-05:00

Instead of going to the party I spent the day packing. *pause* Whoo. >__> But apparently I had fun there anyway. ^__^

On a stranger note... I think I... no, SI is saying it's only my imagination. She never lies about things like that.

Nevertheless, my "nightmare" last night was disturbing. I say nightmare, but I wasn't asleep. Or maybe I was... but maybe not. It's hard to tell, but not really because I know I was awake. It's just easier to say it was a dream. Either way it was my imagination. Too much reading Jhonen comics. Yeah, I'll go with that. Don't particularily feel like elaborating just yet...

I'm still spacey though and I feel like the backdoor of my mind was left open a crack and I can't close it properly. It's a horrible feeling because I can't exactly see the back of my head. It makes OCD want to shove furniture up to the door. That's weird...

Anyway, SI is pretty certain it was just a figment of my imagination. Then again, isn't she a figment of my imagination? Hm.

Eh, I just stopped caring. Wonderful.

last day

2005-10-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

Today was my last day and I still don't feel like we're moving. Meh.

Everyday I choose something to pay attention to (usually a sense like hearing or something diverse like colour or texture), today it was my own voice. I never noticed my diplomatic voice before; I knew I had one but I hadn't listened to it until now. Not sure what I think about it.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel tired... should probably go to bed. I wish I could just sleep during the day instead... I find night easier to deal with.

aw, shit...

2005-10-27T12:57:00.000-05:00

Missed the bus this morning... I was so tired I guess I didn't realize I turned off the alarm. Tomorrow's my last day at this school and I have a music midterm test... uhg.

Eating is just something this machine does. Thankfully, I don't have to think in order to do it anymore; I don't have the energy to put up with that right now.

Yeeeee, birthday party on Saturday! ^___^ I've got to conserve until then... and ingest vast amounts of sugar to allow me some actuall feeling. Either way, I should be fine. Whoo.

By the end of yesterday I felt like I was going to colapse. I think I'll read more Johnny the Homicidal maniac now... maybe I'll download Squee and I feel Sick too.

bleh

2005-10-24T23:40:00.000-05:00

Yay for keeping busy. I don't don't want to develop a dependence on food for comfort, ana would kill me.

*grumble* I was going to post some random survey but I stopped caring about it and didn't feel like finishing.

stoppit

2005-10-23T22:41:00.000-05:00

I don't want to kill myself, I just can't deal with wanting to anymore. I'm tired... I'm... not happy... I feel... nothing! I'm not going to kill myself. I won't because there is no form of suicide that is perfectly certain. Anyway, maybe existing itself is the problem, not living. Maybe I'm just being whiny. >__>

I have got to stop posting about this.

fuckity fuck

2005-10-23T22:30:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I close my eyes I feel like I've lost control over my arms and legs. I can just imagine hurting myself without my brain consciously saying so. I stay awake... but I'm starting to not care anymore. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I'll type that word until I no longer feel angry. F-- okay, I stopped caring. I hate that. Fucking stupid. I hate using that word too... but you can't really release anger by saying chicken over and over again.

Waves of depression keep hitting me... only last a few seconds but it's really quite... something... I forgot what I was going to say. Oh well.

When I try to fall asleep I feel worse because I know that tomorrow will come more quickly. I'm... not... feeling... very... anything right now... it's hard enough to deal with this now. I just need something that won't kill me but makes this go away.

Uhg, I think Ana feels fat rom having eaten today. But I don't care... I can't feel her or SI anymore. It doesn't matter. Why am I even posting this if it doesn't matter? *sigh*

too late?

2005-10-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

Chocolate bars are good. At least, I remember them being that way... I'm going to eat a Kit Kat just to see if it can invoke even a momentary feeling. I an really feel myself searching for something to hold on to... I have to find it before stop caring or I'll end up... not alive anymore. I don't like writing it because I don't feel any disgust and very little fear toward it. Another bad sign. Not good, not good at all...

I need something that I can regulate... cutting was controled and calming, restricting allowed me to obsess over a number... what else can do that for me? If I don't have a way to control my emotions/body/thoughts then I won't have any at all...

It might be too late... because I too numb to care whether or not it is.

sick morons

2005-10-23T00:26:00.000-05:00

They babble about it for hours. "World peace," they say, "and global awareness! I wish I could be someone who could change the world! But, no... I wasn't born as an extraterrestrial test tube baby, I wasn't chosen to be a special human being who loves and cares and shoots eye beams and tap dances! Woe is me."

But when someone (not naming any names, but... ME) tells them they're wrong and explains the inner workings of reality and it's connection to the mind it more like, "Oh, yes, indeed! I agree with you 100%!" and ten seconds later they're back to wishing. They don't want to help anyone; they just want to be part of the herd. Sick.

Who am I to judge though? Look at me and all the 'trends' I've gone through.

Eh, who cares?

i am crazy

2005-10-23T00:04:00.000-05:00

I ate today. I ate and I didn't even bother to count the total. It took hours of walking around the kitchen and deciding which numbers were okay and which were not, but I ate and I don't even care what the total is.

That's a bad sign. This is a bad sign. A very bad sign. I don't likt it at all...

Too much energy today; like the OCD state, only without compulsions and without panic. It isn't The Numbness yet, but it's the strange feeling that comes before... I can't even name it, it's just too confusing. But it doesn't matter... I doubt it will last long.

Last time this happened I developed anorexia. What will it be this time? I can't cut, I can't starve myself, what the fuck do I do now!?

Eh, I don't care anymore. Tha question has no real answer anyway... not a good one, at least. If I continue like this for much longer, it won't matter because I won't be able to tell.

And you know, I continue to ask, "Oh, please take what happiness would be mine and deliver it instead to deserving! Take from them their worries and discomforts and place them on me, if you must!" It's as if I want to feel like this. Do I mean it selfishly? Is it possible that an act meant to be selfish can have a good impact on others and a bad one on oneself? Maybe I just want to push myself over the edge. I know that part of me does... well, fuck them, because whenever I allow myself to consider it or feel a panic attack coming on it's all about self-preservation. Is that selfish?

Whatever. I don't care anymore. I'm probably just insane. I've wasted my mind, I really have. Maybe I could have been someone? Hm? Maybe? Ha, I'm talking as if I'm already dead. Stupid me.

God, I'm blunt today. This must be disturbing to read.

God...? I know I haven't been abandoned, that just doesn't happen. I should keep my faith no matter how far away I feel. Unless I really am acting like this to recieve attention... in which case, perhaps the higher power would ignore me... or maybe I'm just kidding myself and my entire existance has been empty and useless - an illusion.

But what's the point in believing that? I live in illsusions, why would this one be any different? The ground, the air, my body - all fake from every point of view but mine (that one too, I think) and yet, since they still exist, I believe them. So... knowing that, why not believe in God? I won't lose anything by doing so.

Uhg, so many questions and no inner voices to be heard. Don't I sound angsty and lame? And crazy, deffinately crazy. Hm.

Bleeding would be nice

2005-10-21T20:09:00.000-05:00

I am trying to eat... but it's hard. Lately I've been able to skip recounting calories but I'm still restricting. I've had 590 today, which leaves 209 free cals... I could have Cheerios; that's 180. Or maybe some yogurt... 120?

No, I'll just feel bad after. But... I don't even feel that... or anything, for that matter.

. . .

...The Numbness. I knew it was only a matter of time. Without Ana or cutting to influence me, I have no way to prevent it... what the hell am I supposed to do? Eating will only push away Ana, while cutting no longer has an effect! I HATE not eating... it doesn't make me feel good at all. But at least it keeps the Numbness away. I just want to eat something... but then I'll be numb. And yet, numbness means no hunger... but also the ugly possibility of suicide. Is eating worth that? No.

I can ignore hunger... but I can't ignore the feeling of wanting to kill myself during the Numbness.

Anyway, besides that... they put my cat down today. I don't feel anything, which only complicates this more.

Uh, it was a half-day at school so I didn't have to suffer the entire day.

Erm... the only thing left to say is I'M FRICKING HUNGRY but I don't want to kill myself. Not right now, at least... in the Numbness, though, things are different.

God, I don't this at all. I wish I could just bleed until it goes away. Oh, bleeding would be so nice... I'm not sure I can-- fuck, now I'm just feeding it. I just want that instant relief back... or the satisfaction that used to come with an empty stomach. I just want something! ANYTHING!?

*crickets*

... *sigh* I'm going to have some... water, I guess. >__> Yeah. Yummy, appetizing water that I am so sick of now.

inhuman

2005-10-20T07:08:00.000-05:00

Well, they've got to put my cat down today. The vet decided to screw us over by 'forgetting' he wasn't going to make it and letting us take him home and force-feed him for three days. Fuck them. I only wish I could actually feel sorrow for it. I know SI does... but she's not strong enough to influence my emotions. I can't feel sad and no matter how unpleasent sadness can be, I'd really like to be able to feel it. This just isn't human...

Z?

2005-10-19T22:34:00.000-05:00

60 ~ apple
250 ~ french toast (about... seriously, measuring syrup in TABLESPOONS is just stupid. NO ONE uses that little. Except me... but that doesn't count).

310 ~ Total

Gleh. I'm tired. Kyle is a moron and his little apprentice should trip on a moose and fall into a slightly bottomless pit. About ten days until I move. Blahdy blah... so tired...

indeed

2005-10-18T22:34:00.000-05:00

60 ~ apple
150 ~ yogurt
115 ~ bread w/ jam

325 ~ Total

Wow

2005-10-18T21:33:00.000-05:00

We made cookies today. Sugar has 15 calories per teaspoon. This recipie requires TWO FRIGGIN' CUPS. Then two cups of margarine (70). Then more crap. I really would have liked to eat them. Actually, I would have liked to eat ALL of them...

Which brings me to the dreams. Every night so far I have had at least one dream that included eating... in some I dream about restricting or resisting the foods I have said no to and in others it's been about eating. Everything. Everything in the house, everything in the store, everything in the entire universe. When I wake up I almost panic; trying to calculate the number before I have an anxiety attack. Then I remember my number for the day (usually zero, but sometimes I'll find something to eat at night to keep SI from worrying) and feel so relieved.

SI and Ana had an argument today when I was cooking. Ana was reading the labels and shaking her head, "No. None of this. Imagine how that would feel?"

SI, who rarely does more than cringe when Ana speaks, finally piped up. 'You have to eat..."

Ana scowled and, with a snooty attitude, said: "You'll gain a million pounds! I'd avoid breathing around this sugary fat."

I wish SI were more able to stand up for her(my)self... but she just mumbled some quiet protests and put on a concerned look. I (connecting to her 'persona'... this is complicated stuff) reflected on how SI had changed... I always knew it/she/I was trying to help myself but when Ana came along I assumed she had arisen from SI. In a way I think she may have, but OCD seems more broken off lately... more controled; confined to reading labels and recounting calories. The fact that Ana is hurting me is only a side effect meant to control SI. But SI wasn't about hurting... it was about healing. But there's nothing SI can do. She can't start cutting again because Ana will only reinforce that and apply it to her rules.

And I'm surprised that when I have these conversations, they only ever talk to what I identify as me for the moment (the Normal State). They acknowledge the presence of other broken off personality traits and sometimes they appear to be interacting in non-'verbal' ways... but they never speak directly at one another. Some don't even speak, such as OCD (in my mind, she is always busy reading some kind of food item) and The Numbness (it doesn't care to even listen much of the time and hasn't even been around much while Ana has been in control).

Ana is the only personality trait that I have trouble placing in me. She is forceful, angry, and intimidating most of the time. She has dellusions about weight, perfection, and success (actually, that's OCD's part, not really Ana's). She will lie and fight and snarl until she gets her way and won't let anyone (real or broken off) change that. Perhaps she represents a magnified version of the characteristics about myself I dislike and want to be rid of. Instead I've let them take control...

And SI, she symbolizes the things I like, only magnified and then diminished greatly to the feeling of a child by Ana's strength. She is intelligent and generous, often sacrificing herself for the sake of others. She shows great concern for those 'around' her and would like to help but isn't sure how. In this weak state she is not confident in her voice and fears that her influence is not enough to help anyone.

That leaves OCD and The Numbness -- the two original states.

So. I have my negative traits grouped up, my positive traits grouped up, and the unfilled 'me' in the middle. That... actually makes sense. And all I had to do was ask them.

It worries me a little to be talking to seperate personalities in my head; that sounded like MPD to me at first. But I've really sorted out whos who here and it's helped make sense of this. I still can't eat but I know what's going on... now, what do I do about it?

All of this without a therapist, too. *grumbles* This had better be worthwhile. If I am diagnosed with MPD or something, I'll be slightly concerned.

I am so cold and tired though. Ana says it's good, that it's proof I have control... I am her -- part of me, at least -- so that part is agreeing. If only the other parts would have something to say.

okay

2005-10-17T18:16:00.000-05:00

110 ~ Cheerios
130 ~ Yogurt
360 ~ Beef Stroganof

400 ~ Total

Wow, a lot less than I thought actually... still, red meat. I feel a frillion pounds heavier. Uncomfortably full... ew...

GROSS!!!

2005-10-17T17:47:00.000-05:00

Oh God... another big number night! And red meat too!? I can't say anything, I can't refuse... so what do I do? We're not even going running tonight! UHG. I'll just have to feel gross and hope that I can get through tomorrow with less than 100 cals...

Food looked so good today... but when I got home I just wandered around the cuboards again. I'm glad... because I cannot go over 800.

I'll take an apple tomorrow and a dollar... so all I can buy is a bottle of water. That should work fine.

blahdy blah

2005-10-16T21:24:00.000-05:00

162 ~ Quaker's Oatmeal
115 ~ brown toast w/ jam
248 ~ 2 pancakes w/ 2 tbsp syrup

525 ~ Total

uhg

2005-10-16T20:17:00.000-05:00

God, I feel terrible today, despite the fact that I 'splurged' (if you could call it that). >___> Not tired, just weak and slow. It is good to find that I haven't lost my period yet... so I must still be in the safe range.

Uhg. I wish I could eat... I just keep looking and counting, making excuses for my hunger.

I'll post the total later...

craptastic public school

2005-10-14T15:00:00.000-05:00

Apparently I'll be going to a public school beause my mom doesn't feel like paying for uniforms again. I like uniforms... I also like learning religion and these schools DON'T HAVE A PHILOSOPHY COURSE! >_____< One of them doesn't even have Psychology in English. So, I'll be going back to wearing normal clothes and taking crappy courses while missing out completely on religion and prayer and actually going to mass. Yeah, this is looking really good...

I don't give a fuck if I'm overreacting! This is Suckfest 2005, the FRILLIONTH anniversary!

130 ~ President's Choice... bar thingy (think nutri-grain, only cheaper and craptastic)
115 ~ brown toast and jam
60 ~ Cambells Chicken Noodle soup

270 ~ Total

Didn't feel much like eating by the end of the day. I may update the above if someone forces me to eat. And they did. >___>

get over it!

2005-10-13T19:27:00.000-05:00

I know she's had a hard day but telling me to get over it isn't going to help. I didn't choose this, I am not doing it on purpose, and I will not get over it.

Hm, geting over it? I never thought of that! *skips off cheerily*

Yeah. Right. I tell myself that all the time, I don't need someone else to do it too. YOU may be able to, but that's not something one can inherit. And by the way, stop telling me that life sucks - I don't need to hear that either!

When I laugh and smile, it means I'm uncomfortable. When I pretend to joke, it means I'm worried about your reaction.

I'm tired of this crap and I don't know how to say that either. STOP MAKING THINGS WORSE.

But that was just today, so it's okay. I had a bad two months, don't blame me for being a little pissed.

I'll be judged

2005-10-13T18:00:00.000-05:00

Hope I'm not schitzophrenic. =___= But here's the best explanation I can come up with for each state I've entered/broken off identity I've found.

The Numbness: completely devoid of emotion, I don't care about myself or others. I'm aware of the things I once enjoyed or loved, but can't find a reason for feeling anything toward that thing/activity anymore. I don't hate, I just don't care. By this point I can't even harbour fake emotions. (Because I'm a visual-spatial person, I tend to apply images to the things I think about or hear. The Numbness is represented as a genderless, colourless figure because it has no sense of humanity)

OCD: I can't contain my thoughts or even connect with what they are. Most of them are impossible to understand going at light speed so I work with what I can gather. Usually this means a train of thought similar to this: "Inner perfection is impossible, find outer perfection and the rest will be simpler. Order is best, even numbers feel bad, I can't get the chemicals off my fricking consciousness!" Sometimes this leads me to arrange things, count my steps (or my calories, when it spills over), and generally try not to touch anything. Other times I just become overwhelmed with the impossible feat of trying to fix all the chaos and revert to the much easier state of numbness in the Normal State. (in my visual way of thinking, I see OCD as a shifting person slightly older than myself. She's hyperactive and often quite ambiguous when it comes to appearance).

SI: self-injury is a very small state I only enter when actually cutting. I mostly feel concentrated and happy, sometimes a little uncomfortable when I actually feel pain. It doesn't last very long though. (SI never used to have an 'identity' until Ana came along. Now I see SI as a young girl - possibly me - who is in a small dark place. She often wears a face of concern, apparently because of Ana's behavior).

Ana: for those who don't know, a shortened form of anorexia. Ana is the only state in which I can describe actually hearing 'another' voice. The voice is, of course, merely me talking to myself... sometimes arguing. I'll tell myself things like, "too many calories, cut back tomorrow" or "you don't deserve to eat anyway, why bother?" (You know that uncomfortable akward feeling you get when someone stands way too close behind you? That's Ana. Even when you tell her to leave you alone, she has a method of staying way to close).

I hope the above doesn't sound too crazy. Well, it probably is. But this is a semi-anonymous journal, what do I care? Anyway, if it's true, it's really too late.

scared

2005-10-13T17:02:00.000-05:00

60 ~ apple
150 ~ Nutri-grain bar

210 ~ Total

I don't plan on eating anything else today, so that should be it... still a little creeped out from last night. I have never allowed myself - whatever part - to seriously consider suicide as an option. Even the Numbness doesn't care enough to think about it... and Ana and SI both intend to stay alive for whatever purpose (OCD couldn't grasp that thought even if it tried). But last night was... frightening. I can't even begin to explain...! I'm not even sure what emotions I was feeling, all I know is that they were too real. Too overwhelming... it's mostly gone now though. It surprised me that it even scared Ana, who seems to want to die eventually.

Hm. By the way, because each of the above states (most of which cross over; for example, Ana and OCD) feel so seperated when I am in the Normal State (numbness, but not to the extent of the Numbness) I find it easier to refer to 'them' with those names. They are exagerated pieces of what was once me, I think... but in their current forms I can no longer relate to them. They aren't me but they aren't their own people either. So that's who they are and that's who I am, I guess...

Things are getting complicated... and there's still at least three weeks before I'll get to see an actual councellor again. I still can't shake that feeling from last night... it scares every part of me.

probably about 434 cals now

2005-10-12T18:00:00.000-05:00

I have very little to say about my day... my week's been pretty monotonous. Nothing interesting has happened, except... well, no, nothing.

14 ~ Halls Fruit Breezer
140 ~ blueberry yogurt
150 ~ Nutri-grain bar
440 ~ 6-inch subway sub

744 ~ Total

Bad number, but walking for an hour appently burns about 310 calories... and I did indeed go for a walk this time.

yuck

2005-10-12T15:16:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is my last day of splurging... >___> My total today will be somewhere in the 700's and that's not good (what happened to me?)... so I'll probably just go without tomorrow. Or stay below 400. Really, anything below 800 is okay... but I really feel uncomfortable with numbers like those.

The walk tonight is likely, so I'll try to really push myself, which won't be hard. Otherwise I'll just restrict...

Drank lots of water today, so I felt okay.

UHG!

2005-10-11T17:35:00.000-05:00

UHG, no walk tonight! >____< Now I'm stuck like... this. I shouldn't have eaten unless it was certain that I'd be able to walk it off after. I am so pissed off at myself...

10 ~ Wrigley's Doublemint gum
120 ~ Hot Chocolate
10 ~ Wrigley's Doublemint gum
60 ~ Apple
14 ~ Halls Fruit Breezers
440 ~ 6 inch Cold Cut Trio (lettuce and mustard)

654 ~ Total

Yuck.

all gum diet? haa...

2005-10-11T15:52:00.000-05:00

Arhg, so many calories today. >___> I'll put the total up at the end of the day but so far I'm up to 204. I expected Subway to have something with a nice low number... that's why I suggested it! But nope. Cold Cut is 440 for a six-inch (not only a high number, but also a bunch of evens... tolerable ones, but still!). So I figure I'll eat half of a footlong today (that gives me 644 O____O More evens!!!! >___<) and half tomorrow for dinner. I'll just skip breakfast and lunch to compensate. Uhg, I'm going to feel so gross tonight. >___> Might cut...

I won't make the mistake I made today tomorrow. I couldn't find the time between class/ever to buy a bottle of water. Basically all I had until the bus ride home (a friend had an apple; thank GOD for negative cals) was two sticks of gum (10 each) and a cup of hot chocolate (120). I was a zombie by the time lunch was over. I need to bring change next time because that stupid change machine is... stupid! >___<;

Anyway, I'll probably convince my mom to go for a walk with me so that I can at least try to compensate for the okay-but-not-ideal Subway-ness.

In the mean time, I need more gum...

obsessed

2005-10-10T23:35:00.000-05:00

Yep, this is deffinately connected to the OCD thing I've got going. I can't sleep tonight because I keep waking up to count and recount the calories for yesterday/today. Now I'm reading and rereading the nutritional facts on the packages of gum and cough drops I have in my room... it's really stupid, I know, but I really don't feel comfortable sleeping until I've read/counted enough times. I may even sneak downstairs to read everything in the cuboards and fridge... it really is satisfying to do so.

I know, I'll search online for different companies' information! Perfect! ^__^

sneaky bastard

2005-10-10T21:16:00.000-05:00

You know, this may have something to do with OCD. I find myself thinking about right (calorie) numbers and right foods. For example, I didn't like my total today because it included an even number and disliking even numbers has always been a part of my symptoms. 407 was tolerable only because it was low and contained seven...

Also, I seem to have an unwritten rule about certain foods; some food is bad (anything brown, red meat, sugar/artificial sugar) and some is good (anything green, veggies, fruit). It's pretty much the same for liquids too...

Sneaky bastard...

wheeee

2005-10-10T18:36:00.000-05:00

Just because I need to keep track of this somewhere.

115 ~ Brown toast w/ jelly
52 ~ Carrots
125 ~ Frozen peas
115 ~ Cranberry sauce

407 ~ Total

And I went for a 20-or-so minute walk... in the rain. Wheee...

I am gross

2005-10-09T18:30:00.000-05:00

God, I feel horrible. I have no willpower whatsoever... I just can't refuse to eat when they worry. Uhg... I feel guilty and disgusted and a frillion pounds heavier.

/self-pity

heee...

2005-10-09T12:31:00.000-05:00

Uhg, I feel like I'm going to throw up. -____- That pizza only made me feel heavy.

I'm about to go to Ottawa... Ikea stuff is kewl, omg. Woohoo... I'd be more excited if I weren't so exhausted right now.

ana, please shut up

2005-10-09T10:27:00.000-05:00

I'm so weak today that it's actually hard to type. Not good. Plus I'm freezing. I should eat something...

All I ended up doing was walking around the kitchen, looking into cuboards over and over again, and not finding anything apetizing. It just made me tired. Uhg.

Okay, I think I'm numb enough that I should be able to force myself to eat something. THis just isn't a good feeling... and maybe food will make me feel emotionally worse and I'll be able to convince myself that's why I betrayed the moronic inner voice I have. But I'll only gain.. again, no. I don't care. Better to be unhappy and alive than anything and dead. Right? Sure, let's go with that.

Leftover pizza it is.

refivozr

2005-10-07T23:27:00.000-05:00

I'm really not sure what's wrong with me to be falling apart like this. I don't even want to type it here. I was going to try and hint at it, but I can't even do that. I feel guilty and stricken with a painful emotion that I can't seem to name. I'm also ashamed... because this is me and I thought I was stronger than this. I thought it wouldn't happen and now that it has I'm confused as to why and how. I'm just... confused and ashamed and that other emotion. I'm just making everyone around me more worried and more frustrated.

It's probably pretty obvious at this point. I just can't say it. It's hard enough to write this... I may not even publish it yet. I might.

I hate myself

2005-10-05T16:06:00.000-05:00

I dropped Physics. That doesn't mean I'm not coming back to it, it's just useless for me to struggle right now. I'm too numb to feel anything but I know I am extremely pissed at myself for weakening even further. But it's completely repressed...

UHG, I just want to be an extreme right now! I hate this middle ground, this seperated balance... I can't stand it and I feel helpless to get out of it. I just don't have the right tools (and I mean that both literally and figuritively).

moving, blah

2005-10-05T00:16:00.000-05:00

Got back my math test today... I did well on only one section; the one I obsessed over for at least half the class. >___> Who would have guessed?

I have another physics test tomorrow morning and I'm not feeling confident. Actually, I'm not feeling, but that doesn't matter.

I'll have moved by Oct 31st. New school, etc... I'm looking forward to everything but the inevitable having to interact with people I don't know. Now, before people (meaning Dr. Whatsherface. XD haha) make the assumption that my social life is lacking, understand this: I do not reject friendship but I am not concerned with having or initiating any relationships of any kind. Friendship just happens. The good ones, at least.

Anyway, finally got that semi-communicated so I at least remember it.

What I'm really going to dislike is people feeling sorry for the new girl and wanting to show me around and such. I am perfectly capable of figuring things out on my own.

I'm just feeling uncomfortable talking to anyone who doesn't know. O__o

Anyway, my rant is done for now. >__>

uhg

2005-10-03T14:58:00.000-05:00

I do not need my Mom to be angry and frustrated with me about homework, I am already frustrated enough for the both of us.

It wasn't like this before... I feel pathetic and weak.

But I feel incapable of completing homework. I cannot put meaning into the words I see in those questions... I understand what they're asking, I know the facts, but I can't... make them make sense. Let's face it; I am never going to be a theoretical cosmologist. I should switch courses, maybe take a spare or something. I should give up.

Six tonight. Maybe I'll be coherent...

yep

2005-10-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel so... bad... that I just don't know what to do.

Sometimes I feel so weird that I can't think fast enough to know what I'm doing.

Sometimes I know I'm feeling bad but I can't think fast enough to figure out why or how or even feel it.

Mmhmm.

i don't wantn to play anymore

2005-09-29T20:40:00.000-05:00

So now I have two labs (one of which is already overdue), 8 or 9 pages of math homework, a huge music essay, and piles of unfinished psychology work to complete.

Fuck it.

I have zero concentration right now. I cannot handle this crap.

This will never end, will it? I am always going to have to go somewhere, do something, interact with someone I don't want to interact with. Shit, I need to cut and I don't have anyway to... even with the dull razor, I'd have to wait until very early in the morning... and then I'd be tired tomorrow anyway. I can't take this...

There's no point. I'm never going to be a theoretical cosmologist. I'll have to settle for second or third... I feel selfish, but I don't want to have to do that. It's bad enough that time works the way it does, I at least want to be spending mine here doing something I like!

I like thinking... withdrawing completely is looking even better right now. I'd like to be an observer instead of a participant.

Life is like basketball (or soccer... or any other team sport played with two opposite goals) for me; it's interesting to watch but I hate having to play. It's so tedious... just back and forth and back and forth without any real purpose.

I'm just feeling like there's no real purpose here either.

sick of this

2005-09-27T21:23:00.000-05:00

My mom doesn't feel comfortable leaving me here alone.

What am I supposed to say to that!? I can't make any damn promises and I certainly cannot express myself well enough to explain my dilema. I really, really don't want to be there tomorrow. It's not even just tomorrow in particular; I just don't want to fall apart at school.

I feel so weak saying that. Before I said anything I could've survived... I would have been able to because I had to. Now I'm just weak and pathetic. I don't even want to finish any homework or move from class to class... there's no point. I just want silence. I want time...

If I go to the councellors I'll only end up feeling angry that I did it later.

disgust

2005-09-25T18:09:00.000-05:00

Uhg... I feel pathetic and weak right now. There I was sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth, freaking out in an OCD moment when my mom comes in. I just started bawling. God. I tried very hard to tell her how I was feeling. I think I made myself look even more crazy than I probably am. Jeez, I didn't even notice I was scratching my hands but now I can see that they're red and blotchy...

That never would have happened if I could have cut. That is strength... to me, at least.

She talked to me about medication (I'd certainly have an OCD attack with those) and inpatient stuff.

I just feel guilty for having bothered her without any real reason. Uhg, all I want is attention! I am so pathetic.

REALLY confused

2005-09-25T11:27:00.000-05:00

This is the weirdest feeling yet. It's like rushing thoughts that I can't even connect to and recognize. I'm slightly OCD but extremely confused at the same time... I'm anxious about fixing things but I don't know why. I don't have the thoughts to go with the compulsions. At the same time I feel seperated from my brain and unable to reach the feelings there. It is extremely... strange. I can't stand it but I'm not what I can't stand. I even feel a little hyperactive and bouncy but not happy... I keep acting crazy and saying/doing weird things. To others, I suppose it seems normal, but I'm not controlling it.

God, I wish my razor weren't so dull. I've actually started cutting on my other arm too. I can't wear long sleeves so I may as well, eh? >___> I feel rushed and chaotic but also slow and disconnected... uhg, I hate it. I'd rather be completely numb or completely OCD.

Whenever this happens I always end up with red scratch marks all over my hands that I don't remember giving myself.

My True Feelings

2005-09-24T21:10:00.000-05:00

Another poem.

You sit there,
judging me with your eyes
like a piece of meat
slightly older than it's expiary date.
You're spewing disinformation
but I only nod silently and stare at your eyes.
I know you're not listening so I've stopped hearing you.
"Tell me the truth," you say, patronizingly.
I stare through you and see the sterile white walls of your skull.
What you really mean is, "tell me what I want to hear,"
but I stopped telling you things the moment you opened your mouth
and told me what to say.

perfection

2005-09-24T16:47:00.000-05:00

I forgot to post this when I wrote it a while back. I'm currently trying to write (in story form) exactly what happens and what's going through my head when I cut. It's proving much more difficult than I thought it would be...

chaos erupts
sudden fleeting worries
disjointed thoughts and upset reality
frustration claws at my hands
itchy red marks appear - I tear them apart
Contamination is inevitable;
I can't be clean
I can't be real
I can't
i can't
can't...

Fix everything;
it'll work, it'll be clean.
good.
perfect.

yet impossible?
what purpose? what reason?
none
though panic has won.

Concentration lost, no point, must rearrange,
must find the point of intersection
where nothing is equal to something
where blood is red, where pain is real,
and perfect lines are scored by steel.

free me

2005-09-23T22:19:00.000-05:00

I really don't reccognize myself in the mirror. No matter what I do - smile, snarl, frown, laugh, stare - all I see is a person. It's like meeting someone for the first time over and over when I look in the mirror... it invokes the same emotions at first; friendliness and openness. Then that turns to discomfort and confusion, sometimes disgust.

Yes, disgust. I feel myself almost wondering... but no.

I don't like what I'm seeing but I'm not sure what's wrong with it. I feel the need to drastically change the image until I finally see something more than just another human being. But I'm still resisting that desire because I know that's a bad choice. I know it's probably not something I would do...

Then again, I don't know that. I can't remember what I invented and what I originally was... maybe it doesn't matter.

I'd really like to isolate myself... I want to withdraw completely and shut out the world. I'm overwhelmed and I just need some time to be quiet and alone but that never comes. When it does, it doesn't last long. This is what life will always be like, I cannot escape it. I just need to escape... but I don't know how.

shut up!

2005-09-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

I got my physics test back today and got 28/66. It felt like knife in the stomach, only without the actual knife. I went to math class feeling dazed and frustrated... and there was a test. I spent at least half the class trying to make my graph sketch completely perfect and accurate. I couldn'. Neither could I concentrate on much else because I can't remember if I actually completed each question.

In music all I could think about was hurting myself. I felt confused and angry the entire time. Even when I got home a few minutes ago that's what I was planning to do... unfortunately Mark (mom's new boyfriend) was already home when I got here. I'm going to have to last until tomight, that means. I'm still really pissed that the graph wouldn't be exactly how I wanted it to be. I'm tempted to draw another one now... but I don't think I'd be able to.

UHG, I am so pathetic. All I'm doing is looking for attention. I'm so dependent on others, like I need people to notice my work and implode when they see my "genius". Y'know, even by this that's what I'm doing. Shut up, shut up, shut up!

a little ashamed

2005-09-22T15:13:00.000-05:00

I found a bobby pin today at school. Those things are sharper than I edxpected... same goes for the safety pins on the school skirts.

Confused

2005-09-22T06:29:00.000-05:00

I feel like if I cut right now my entire day will be much more enjoyable than if I don't. But I don't have the time... so, I guess I'll have to wait.

Ever since I got out of that doctor's office I've been feeling confused and muddled... it's similar to the racing thoughts of the OCD-ish state but I don't act any of those thoughts out because I'm too confused. In the same way, I am not quite numb but not quite with feeling. It bothers me and I don't like it. I'd much rather be one or the other.

erg...

2005-09-20T16:43:00.000-05:00

I'm kind of wishing I could go back to before I told them... life was certainly easier then. And less annoying *thinks of Dr. Joanou*... withdrawing completely seems very appealing right now.

Anyway, just to continue from the previous post, Dr. Joanou told me to "write about my true feelings"

*cough* ...

Uh, okay. I'm assuming she wants me to say something specific like, "OMG, i waish i waz pop-U-ler but lyk mai bf brekked up wit me!!!11!!!11!ONE!!!INSERT NUMBER HERE!!!!1!" But sucks to her because I don't feel the ways she says I do. For example, I'm not mad at my mom for having less time for me because of her new boyfriend. Yet according to her I am. *shakes head*

Anyway, I'm done complaining now. Wait until two weeks from now when I see her again...

blah blah blah my needs

2005-09-20T16:21:00.000-05:00

So I went to my doctor appointment today with a Dr. Joanou... yep, that thoroughly messed up the rest of my day. I found her to be... irritating and slightly abrasive. And it wasn't even the fact that she compared me to a circus elephant or told me I cut because I'm bored... it wasn't even that she very bluntly expressed her distaste for me. It was the way she seemed to analyze me based solely upon what I immediately was saying, not what I was trying to say.

She assumed too much and told me that my feelings are incorrect. No explanation, no 'oh, but they seem very real to you.' Just, "You don't allow yourself to be angry, OMG EVAR."

And then she went on about choices and about how I can do whatever I want. She told me I should socialize more. Yeah, riiiight. I tried to tell her that I don't have a problem with my social life at the moment. She took my, "Oh, summer was hot and... boring." comment way too seriously... she didn't seem to realize it was just something I said, not meant.

And then she said, "People are just going to think it's weird. If you go out on a date with someone years from now and they see your scars they'll think you're weird."

"Uh... if I go out on a date with someone, I think I'd choose someone who'd take the time to understand."

"They'll just think you're weird."

I was annoyed at this point, "Well, it's not as if I'm all that polular. I don't care if people think I'm weird."

And she went into 'and how does that make you feel' mode and started pressing me about my social life again. Uhg. Again, she didn't realize that I meant I didn't care...

Then she told me that I was doing this because of all the changes in my life. Uh, what changes? I said that it started a year ago, didn't I? I mentioned 1) Parent's breaking up, 2) Mom's old boyfriend leaving, 3) Mom's new boyfriend moving in, all of wich are old news or recent events.

And I hated when she put "numb" in quotation marks... the way she said it made it sound condescending.

So yeah. I still dislike going to the doctor. >___>

hurting

2005-09-18T19:34:00.000-05:00

I can't find anything to hurt myself with... my one and only razor blade is getting very dull. It takes a lot to do anything now. It hurts more when I don't cut myself than when I do.

blah blah blah

2005-09-17T20:09:00.000-05:00

I got an extension on that psychology paper... I felt seriously pathetic going to student services and stressing over it. I felt angry that I hadn't been able to force myself to do it. I felt like I was using SI as an excuse... I never did that when I was cutting before, I just did it because I had to. But now I'm weak, or at least I feel that way. I was strong when it was a secret...

I have been half thinking that I'm just wasting this new councellor's time. I can't see any alternatives and I don't feel ready to stop just yet... I'm taking up time that could be saved for others who need this help. But I suppose it'd only get worse if I stopped going to councelling... or would it? Hm...

Anyway... I need to cut before I even try and tackle that essay. Uhg... I can't even find a purpose in living unless I cut, how pathetic is that?

listen to me

2005-09-14T20:47:00.000-05:00

UHG! Why don't understand me!? I don't feel good. It has nothing to do with getting out of school or having a physical illness. Nothing at all! Please, I can't express it any better... just listen more closely... there's more in that sentence than can be explained in a million.

lame

2005-09-14T20:29:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm just using the fact that everyone knows to seek attention. I want to crawl into a hole and hide for the rest of my life.

i dont care

2005-09-13T19:05:00.000-05:00

I have an essay due tomorrow. I don't care enough to finish it. I can't concentrate on it... I can't find a reason to care anymore.

eww

2005-09-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

I gots a lappy now. ^___^ w00t

Mark, Mom's new boyfriend, moved in yesterday because he broke up with his girlfriend (erm... don't ask. It's complicated ^__^;;). Blahdy blah... blah blah blah... I stayed home sick today and I will tomorrow as well... blah blah blah... I feel horribly tired and hot. Ew.

disturbed

2005-09-10T22:17:00.000-05:00

I really hope I have the chance to cut soon. Monday isn't coming quickly enough... then again, how long can I hide in student services and whine to councellors about non-existant problems? Would it be easier if I just went back to faking it? I don't want to be a burden... I don't want to bother anyone. So I won't... I'll just... pretend again. It's easier that way, I think. Maybe not for me, but I know I can handle that.

My wrist is healing... I hate it. Everytime I think about it a new wave of panic washes over me. I have many new marks on my arm though... I should be okay for now. A moderate cut as well... God, did it ever surprise me when I made it. I don't like the fact that I enjoy them... but I won't deny that I do.

Sometimes I just feel like being disturbing like that.

nothingness

2005-09-10T13:13:00.000-05:00

I feel... incomplete. As if I'm missing something vital and I've had to replace it with a cheap copy that my body keeps rejecting. I feel like what was supposed to be a temporary loss has grown into something even I can no longer find. I've searched but my motivation has run out, I've tried but my desire has gone from me. I require no help because I am now without need... I have no reason to feel sad or angry or lonely and likewise, no reason for happiness. By process of elimination, I am nothing.

In my scenerio, a voice asks me "But there are reasons, why do you say there are none?"

But I don't mean outside reasons, I mean... inside reasons. I don't know what that means. It doesn't matter.

Some part of me is annoyed at my lack of motivation. It whispers about being stupid and pathetic. It doesn't matter.

I feel incomplete and I'm holding on desperately to the fake piece of me. I think I'm sick of searching now... I think I'm sick of feeling now. But I'm holding on... as long as I don't think about it I won't find out that I have no inside reasons for that anymore.

All is not lost... but I know I'll never fully recover. No therapy, pill, or heart-to-heart talk will change that. I will always be without inside reason... I'm just going to get better at pretending.

too tired

2005-09-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

I'm getting tired... I really am. I don't want to die but I'm not sure what I do want. I have a doctor appointment-type-thing on the 26th. Normally I dislike doctors but I'm beyond caring now. I'm too tired... and I want more cuts. I want to see them because they fix everything. I don't care what damage is done long-term as long as it fixes everything for that moment. I've had disturbing urges as well (for example, the idea of peeling off my skin layer by layer has been intruding lately. Yep, disturbing) but as long as I cut that'll be okay.

Everything feels so empty. I just want to curl up and sleep but even that seems useless at this point.

grr

2005-09-08T19:25:00.000-05:00

How can they expect me not to cut!? I mean, seriously... I know what happens when I don't. It's not good. When I let the numbness continue I actually get to the point where I don't even care about my own life. And I don't care about how that affects others either. That's not good. If cutting keeps that from happening, I should do it.

Uhg, that's stupid, I know... but I am the only one in this situation who knows exactly what it's like.

ahem

2005-09-08T19:10:00.000-05:00

I had my first councelling session today. Not much to say, other than that she's nice. Only a temp though, so... yeah.

Sorry for my lack of... talking-ness. I'm just trying to avoid doing my homework. ^___^ Muahaha...

Anyway. I have to be sneakier with my cutting these days... despite the fact that the wrist ones are fading and that really bothers me, I can't redo them just yet. Most of my cuts are just below my elbow (on the inside) now... so, of course, even if I had the arm band, I wouldn't be able to wear T-shirts/anything that doesn't have sleeves. It doesn't matter, it was freakishly obvious anyway. lol

I'm... almost thinking that this would all be easier if I hadn't said anything at all. Maybe not... I guess I'm just uncomfortable with being watched all the time. I mean, I can't even go to the bathroom without my mom implicitly worrying about me. I would say I'd like her trust, but I really don't think I deserve it. I AM cutting still, just not when she's around.

I expect I'll be back to feeling pretty much "normal" soon...

sigh

2005-09-07T15:53:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to cut yet. My mom is making it as hard as possible. But I don't even care now... I don't care about anything anymore, including whatever impulses happen to come up. It just doesn't matter anymore.

Jeremy saw my arm today. I told him I saved my cat from a fight with some other... cats. They look nothing like claw marks and there are none on my actual hand, so it makes no sense... but I don't even care about that. It's the classic answer anyway, may as well use it.

I only have one hidden razor blade left.

I'm just too tired... I'm sick of trying to go through the motions. But it's not frustrated-sick, it's empty-sick. I don't have the energy for it, nor the emotion to care right now.

Aaaand there goes my attention span again. I have homework in three classes and I don't feel like completing it. Or even trying, for that matter.

*sigh*

uhg

2005-09-07T06:09:00.000-05:00

So... wearing this school shirt with the cuffs (is that the right word? eh, who cares) buttoned up is uncomfortable.

I'm feeling the need to cut right now. I'm going to miss so much class because of this... and then I'll fail and that'll suck ass. It's a good thing I'm still between numbness and obsession... but that never lasts long. Mostly I need to cut right now because the old scars are healing and that scares the crap out of me. They'll be gone soon if I don't do something... I need them - without it's even worse than not having my arm band.

Well, nine o'clock I'm going to be psycho analyzed over zeh phone. Hopefully it won't take too long... I'll be missing Physics! :(

I don't want to stop... I really don't. I'm too numb to feel guilty or stupid because of it... too numb.

omg

2005-09-06T15:46:00.000-05:00

Yep, I did it. I'm too numb to remember much, but I did manage to destroy at least four pieces of kleenex and a sheet of paper... heh, I tend to rip things up when I'm like that.

So. Counselling 'begins' tomorrow with an over-the-phone assesment-type thing-gummy. 9:00... but I'm not worried about it.

My mom took away the 'sock-thingy' I used to cover it... and all my tools are gone too. That bothers me a lot... thinking about not being able to cut really bothers me. I don't think I can do that... moreso, I don't want to. At all. I couldn't then, and I can't now... I just don't want to.

But yes. Counselling. 9:00 tomorrow.

Absolutely no meds... that will NOT help me.

Final moments

2005-09-05T17:22:00.000-05:00

Fear has been replaced by determination, uncertainty by numbness. If rapid cycling bipolar disorder describes me, then I'd say I'm completely out of my 'manic' state. But it's hard to tell... I can barely remember what it was like full blown.

I don't know why I'm doing this, but I won't think about it... if I do, I may find out there is no reason.

Just survive until that moment... I'll finally get this burden out but I fear I may be taking on a heavier one.

PLEASE!

2005-09-05T12:59:00.000-05:00

Panic, panic, panic! >___<

Okay, it's getting hard now! I cannot, I repeat, CANNOT take a shower while my Mom is here. So that rules out today... that means I'll have to take one at seven sharp and hope that my hair will dry as quickly as possible. I just hope she leaves on time or I'll be late - or worse, found out. Uhg, that would suck ass royally!!! I can't talk to her myself so I NEED to at least get to school without any mistakes... this is a lot of pressure.

Please, please God... get me through this at least until lunch tomorrow... then I can implode or flip out or whatever. Please, please please...

hm...

2005-09-04T21:34:00.000-05:00

I accidentily cut my finger today while helping my mom take out the air conditioner. It hurt like hell, so unlike my SI cuts... and even I was surprised to see that the blood from that wound meant nothing to me. The mark is completely empty of meaning in my eyes. I'm not sure why that amazed me... it really makes sense. But still... I find it interesting that, in comparison to other scars, my SI ones mean everything and I would feel extremely exposed and anxious without them.

Ehhhhhh...

2005-09-04T17:46:00.000-05:00

Oh my God... just one day, basically. I'm not even sure what to say, if I can say anything at all. I've planned out a million possibly ways to say it, at least a billion reactions, and a FRILLION likely outcomes. And that doesn't even count all the alternate paths with different counsellors and times of fricking day. I spent a few hours contemplating which emotions I'd need to have ready and what things I should avoid to stay in control. All this made me realize something I already know: I am very good at planning, extremely good. I imagined those situations with few details left out... I feel worried, but I'm not too worried. I'm prepared for anything, so say the least.

Well, anything that takes place during the actual meeting. I'm not sure what's going to happen after. I do have a lot of ideas though... but they depend on what my Mom says. I know she's worried about me blaming her (KHP-calling incident stands as proof of that) and I know she doesn't think highly of therapy. I just wonder whether that attitude will be maintained despite the... seriousness... of all this.

Then again, if she does see the problem then will she be reasonable? Before I even have a chance to try and explain, will I be labelled dangerous to myself and others, therefore unable to make my own desicions or have my own input? I am going to try and avoid inpatient services, meds, constant supervision, and pyche wards as best I can but I'm not sure anyone will listen to a crazy girl.

I've had thoughts of just forgetting it... but those are always coupled with the terrible vision of my suicide (sometimes I hate being so good at imagining things...) I know that the only way to keep myself alive is to cut and saying something might - will - jepordize my ability to use that as a coping mechanism... but on the other side, it's getting harder to find time safely and even harder to stay in control. And it's difficult to remember what each state is like... extremely difficult. I'll read over my previous posts and conversations and it will seem like a different person altogether or like I had only been imagining it... that's what I'm worried about, I guess; that I'll be talking to my councellor and she'll say "Oh, you're only looking for attention" or "That didn't really happen, you're completely insane... here, have some random pills!"

*cough* Anyway, I'll see how it happens on Tuesday. Tuesday... just one more day. *sigh*